Ah, Bad Poetry and Other Such Musings From Brittany
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The Twelfth Poetry Entry

This one's for you, though you may not realize that it's you I'm talking about

Endurance

My life is constant surprise

No matter how tight my belt is

My pants keep falling down

I’ve resigned myself to my fate

 

Once again, someone has come along

And taken the floor from beneath my feet

Just when I’d gotten used to solid ground

And I’m on my ass again

 

This was a better surprise than most

I was completely unawares

(Usually I have some inkling

of the danger about to befall me)

 

Having taken a strong stance

Against getting entangled again

He stormed his way in

And completely shattered my defenses

 

So now I have one more brick

One more step

One more good intention

On my long road to hell

 

I decided to give things a shot

Maybe something could come of this

Maybe I’d have some fun

So I let down my walls just a bit

 

Which proved to be a fatal mistake

Now I can’t see straight

And I want to hurt something

Or someone

 

Just so I can get out all this hate

Go back to being numb

So someone else can see what it’s like

My misery is so lonely

 

My anger is my best defense

I can safely pull away

Angry at him

Angry at myself

 

Angry at him because he let me down

Add him to the long list

The countless others

Who’ve failed to measure up

 

But mostly angry at myself

How could I be such a fool?

Why didn’t I learn from the past?

They all turn out to be schmucks

 

I know this is the easy way out

Holding impossible standards

Finding little faults

Then expanding them to enormity

 

I do the same to myself

I am as hard on others

And demand as much of them

As I demand of myself

 

In fact, I demand more of me

I expect more from me

Than I do of anyone

Because nobody measures up

 

I am in a love affair with myself

For all my self-loathing

For all my insecurity

I am head-over-heels in love with me

 

If I only love me

And let no one else in

I won’t hurt as bad

Things will be simple

 

I won’t have to deal with this feeling

Of being hollow

Of my heart slowly rending

Of the shine fading from it all

 

And there won’t be this crushing sadness

That makes it difficult to breath

And makes me want to close my eyes

Believing it’ll all just go away

 

So the walls must be thicker this time

Repair the damage

And add to the stronghold

Run up to my tower

 

Let no one in

See them from afar

Talk to them through the walls

Keep myself locked up

 

My intensity is my undoing

There’s no such thing as halfway

All or nothing

It’s all I know how to do

 

I intimidate everyone

I don’t know how to turn it down

I can adjust my intellect

But I can’t adjust my passion

 

And I can’t adjust my temper

Or my tendency to dramaticize

Because I like these things

They make me feel alive

 

 They’re a part of who I am

The anger

The sadness

The emotion

 

I will be loyal to a person

Until I die

Despite wrongdoing

Despite the pain

 

So damn you for not seeing that

Damn you for brushing me off

Damn you for playing with me

Damn you for making me care

 

I could be the best thing possible

And now you won’t know

You won’t get close enough again

I won’t let you

 

We’ll still be friends

But you’ll never know the difference

Never know what could have been

And neither will I

 

I’ll stick up for you even though

You let me down

I’ll let you cry on me even though

I cried over you

My frustration will keep me strong

My anger will fuel my actions

But the outside will be calm

Quiet, collected, nothing amiss

 

I’d rather keep this close

I’d rather hide the truth away

I’m a wonderful actress

You’ll never know the difference

 

Because you’d never notice

If I wore nice clothes

If I took some extra care

And had a polished appearance

 

So why would you see

Something even more subtle

Something even more hidden

Especially from a master

 

So again

Damn you for kissing me

Damn you for saying nice things

Damn you for barging in

 

I have a nicely furnished tower

And I don’t mind the thick walls

Or the heavy door

Or the miniscule windows

 

I have movies galore

And even more books

And they’re much better at entertaining

Than you’ll ever be

 

They’re better-spoken

They dress better

They smell better

They offer more comfort

 

And more importantly

I decide when I want them

I decide when I’m done with them

I decide which one to curl up with

 

I am in control

Which is the red-hot source of my anger

I wasn’t in control with you

I wasn’t in control of myself

 

That I cannot forgive

That I will not forget

That was the last straw

That was the ultimate hurt

 

I guess all I’m trying to say

Is that I am still strong

I am still happy

I am still fine

 

Though this may be

More of an assurance to myself

Than a declaration to you

But that’s fine with me

 

So fuck off

Leave me alone

I had peace before you

And I’ll have it after you

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